Mom taught me never to give unnecessary advice and not try to help people if they didn't ask for it. I thought she was just unresponsive. But when I grew up, I realized that she was right. Mom is a kind-hearted person.
Society always insists on the need to help others. So do I. We are told that we should help people just like that and even when they are not expecting it. Of course, this is not wrong. A casual act of kindness can make a difference in a person's life. But every medal has a flip side. And do not keep silent about the likely alternative outcome.
Life is a complex combination of good and evil
There is nothing absolutely good or absolutely bad. There is always something good in the bad and bad in the good. Helping people isn't necessarily a bad idea. But also not good by default. Below are the reasons why I personally stopped helping people, and you, too, might be worth it.
1. Stop helping people who don't deserve it
It's not always easy. We were taught to help people. So, now you need to forget how to do it. “As you get older, you’ll learn that you need one hand to help yourself and the other to help others,” Sam Levenson.
Startups often ask me for advice. I know how hard it is to make a startup - I myself develop one. And yet I stopped sharing knowledge for free. In the past, people used to invite me over for coffee just to "use my brain." You have several million venture capital rinsing in your bank, and you want to get my expertise for free, without even paying for my tea! This is unacceptable.
They don't understand that I need to feed my family, pay bills and meet work deadlines. They do not understand that I will have to compensate for the time spent drinking tea with them, working until two in the morning.
If they don’t think my time is valuable, then I don’t have time for them!
If people don't care about you, don't help them. They don't deserve your help.
Today, in response to such invitations, I simply call my hourly rate and take out Square. Harsh, but it makes my life much easier and makes me happier. People take me more seriously. If someone cannot afford my advice, I can suggest another way to compensate for my time.
Rule 1: Never offer anything for free.
Rule 2: Don't forget rule 1.
The next time you are asked to speak at a conference for free, do not agree until you have negotiated an acceptable fee. If the organizers can't shell out, ask in return for a free booth where you can advertise your business or free conference tickets. This will show how badly they want you as a speaker.
People will always exploit you if you let them. You don't have time to help everyone. Help only those who deserve it. And you better start with yourself.
- I need your advice.
- Why are you asking me to tell you how to live your life?
- I want someone to blame when things go wrong.
If you feel unhappy while helping someone, just don't do it. Sometimes you have to be selfish and prioritize your own interests. Ignore the lifestyle that society is trying to impose on you.
2. Stop helping people who don't appreciate your help.
My biggest weakness is that I enjoy helping people. I help regardless of whether I was asked for it or not. But you never know when that way of thinking will hurt you.
One of my former clients was not doing very well. My team spent several days analyzing the data to figure out what the problem was. This was not part of our obligations and I did not bill for it. We did this because we were rooting for the client's success. As a result, we found serious flaws in his strategy and business model. We showed the client our insights, and he fired us on the spot.
We did the job out of compassion for the client. But we told him what he didn’t want to hear. We lost our contract because we were trying to help. And in the end, they made the person hate us for expressing their professional opinion to him.
The easiest way to turn a friend into an enemy is to give advice that he doesn't want to hear.
When I offer help to someone, I really want to help. But often people are not ready to accept it. This is normal. Change takes time, and people don't always want to change.
- Help! My ears look terrible!
- Maybe it's time to stop chewing them?
- Nobody asked you!
You should not give advice if people are not ready for it. One day they may come and say that you and your advice are to blame for their failures. I stopped helping people who do not want me to help them. Less drama, more time for yourself.
3. Stop helping if you can't help 100%
This is the most critical. In no case should you offer help to someone if you are not ready to provide it? I did it so often and I still regret it.
- HELP!
- Hurry, grab some advice!
- ….
Several years ago, my parents went abroad for a month and asked me to look after the house. I have no idea how to water my indoor plants. Some I "overfilled" and some "underfilled". By the time the parents returned, all the plants were dead. If asked to help someone who understands room flora, daddy's favorites would be alive. And since then I have not been allowed to reach the pots within the range of a cannon shot.
If you don't have the time or skill to help the person, you are more likely to harm them.
It is as if a blind man taught to draw. By offering unskilled help, you are depriving people of the opportunity to find a better candidate. So your kindness in some cases can also harm people. One of the easiest ways to destroy a relationship with a person is to offer them help that you are unable to provide.
In the end, anything can end up good or bad. And we all need to find the right balance between these two extremes.
Always weigh the pros and cons before offering help to someone. Otherwise, it could cost you time, money, and important relationships - professional or friendships.
A casual act of kindness can save someone's life. And sometimes to destroy.
0 Comments